


Not Be There For You

by Sivan325



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Guilt, M/M, Secret Santa Exchange Stories 2004
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 07:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/859272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sivan325/pseuds/Sivan325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Turgon experiences guilt and his hidden feelings for one of his chief lieutenants comes to the fore…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Be There For You

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: Manon
> 
> Disclaimer: I wish but I don’t. Though I thought that you figure it out.
> 
>  
> 
> Note: Written for Talullah. For Secret Santa Exchange Stories 2004.  
> Note2: Song: " _Boulevard of Broken Dreams_ " by Green Day.

**_Gondolin._ **

**Turgon POV’**

“WHAT?” I asked the guard.

I been informed by one of my guards that you die, and I could not believed that I was not be there for you, to give my life, and fought with you.

‘I could not believe what I been told.’ I thought.

I could not believe that you died.

You protect me as my chief lieutenants, fought with me till the end.

‘Why?’ I asked myself, “Why all this death?” I whispered.

_I walk a lonely road_  
The only one I that have ever known  
Don't know were it goes  
But its home and I walk alone 

I could feel my guards staring at me.

“Do not bother me, I need to be alone!” I ordered to my guards.

I felt the need of cry. 

‘What a terrified death?’ I thought, as I could not believe that you die, as I still cannot face that you have gone from my life.

Though I wanted to tell you once what I feel for you, but every time I avoid to say my feelings for you.

_My shadows the only one that walks beside me_  
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find  
Till then I'll walk alone 

At the time I thought I should join you, so we can share our love together, that I could show you my feelings for you.

_I'm walking down the line_

But you were not even there, I felt alone, so alone, as I lost your love, and I lost my chief lieutenants as well.

_That divides me somewhere in my mind_

I remembered your smile when I first coronation you to be my chief lieutenants; your face was shown as the sun was bright, your golden hair shone every time.

I could felt my heart singing songs for you, but I hold them for myself, keeping them hidden, even from you.

But I was now alone, as I walked back and forth at my bedroom, and I could not stop thinking about you.

_On the border line of the edge  
And were I walk alone_

I kill him myself, for murdered you, but as I know you heart, you knew that revenge is not the answers.

‘What about trust?’ I asked myself, ‘Did you not trust me, that I could follow you and give you some support and fight next to you?’

I talking to myself, I could feel the guilt eating me inside, “Why?” I cried, “Why you left alone, when I have no one else to trust?”

I ran over from my family, when I first saw you.

You were my reason why I came over here and start to built the city.

I cursed myself on my for-seen gift. I felt now that I could prevent your murdered if only I gave up my feelings for you and stop saying to myself, that was all nothing but bad dream.

Sanity. 

_My shadows the only one that walks beside me_

I moved to sat on the bed, lay my hand over the silk pillow, and dreamt about you; I did not tell anyone, even to you about the fantasy I had for you.

_My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating_

The day that we fought together, side-by-side, I had a fantasy of you, as I cleaned you from pouring blood over your chin, that I undressed you, and took you over my secret place.

You smiled to me at my fantasy; I could see that you wanted it too.

Your chest, in my fantasy was shone when I stripped you, and lay you over the green grass.

My fingers were moving towards your face, and then they slid down, over your cock, you moaned to me, you wanted me so badly. But it was only a fantasy. 

You were not even with me. 

I decided in my mind that next day, I'll change my clothes over the grief, and spend in your grave daily, and hope that your spirit would guide my way. 

The way to trust and love again.

~

I wish you know how much I missed you; miss your voice, voice that commanded on your guards.

If you only knew that only because of you I ran from my family and built the city, if you only knew…

**The End**


End file.
